Problems with Perfection

I am sitting at my computer in a state of agitation...and frustration.  Maybe these both amount to the same mess of feelings, I'm not really certain.  Regardless, I am having a classic student moment of freaking out over grades.  In the last 24 hour time period I have literally failed (earned scores below 60%) two homework assignments in two different courses.  In the grand scheme of things the number of points lost does not amount to much, but in my mind this is a big deal.  


I used to be a good student.  Scratch that.  I am accustomed to being an excellent student who earned marks at the top of her class.  Not doing well is a new sensation for me and frankly, I don't like it at all.  In case you haven't noticed, I am a type-A perfectionist and I am angry at myself for my shortcomings.  What's a girl to do when her brain is all amped up and it's getting late?  She searches for quotes about perfectionism to try and make herself feel like less of a failure.  In case you're wondering, there are some good ones out there.  Here's what I found that seemed to make sense to me at this very moment...


The imperfections of a man, his frailties, his faults, are just as important as his virtues.  You can't separate them.  They're wedded.  ~Henry Miller


Better a diamond with a flaw than a pebble without.  ~Confucius


Striving for excellence motivates you; striving for perfection is demoralizing.  ~Harriet Braiker


The human story does not always unfold like a mathematical calculation on the principle that two and two make four.  Sometimes in life they make five or minus three; and sometimes the blackboard topples down in the middle of the sum and leaves the class in disorder and the pedagogue with a black eye.  ~Winston Churchill


I think Dr. Harriet Braiker really summed up what I'm feeling at this very moment--demoralized...without further motivation to proceed knowing that more failure is imminent.  This is where three years of therapy and six years of teaching must intervene in my pity party.  Don't I tell my students on a regular basis, "it's okay that you didn't get a perfect score as long as you learn from the mistakes you made." ? 


I'm not sure if I've written about this yet, but I have just started studying Italian.  At the start of May I enrolled in an online class through the University of Wisconsin because I wanted to challenge myself and because I hope to someday be bilingual.  In fact, I already have a plan for my second career should I ever decide to quit teaching (more about this later).  As most people who study a language quickly figure out, it isn't as easy as it sounds.  I'm trying to train my brain to forget the Spanish I studied in high school (which, by the way, seems to be coming back at quite an inopportune time) and learn the Italian pronunciation of a bunch of similar looking words.  I'm trying to cram hundreds of new words into my tired, overworked brain.  I'm trying to figure out accent marks--when to use them and which direction they should point.  Most of all, I'm trying to enjoy the process of learning.  


Last week I was standing outside my apartment talking to a friend, all-the-while getting attacked by mosquitos.  When I got back inside I was curious how to say "mosquito" in Italian so I looked it up in my trusty Oxford dictionary.  Then I got a brilliant idea to try to use my new word in a sentence.  From my limited studies I was able to come up with, "Mi piace primavera in Seoul, ma non mi piace zanzara!"  Roughly translated:  "I like spring in Seoul, but I do NOT like mosquitos!"  I posted this as a Facebook status and a few hours later my mosaic teacher in Venice responded (in Italian of course): "Brava colleen la prossima volta parleremo italiano un abbraccio".   I didn't know all of the words she used, so with a little help from Google Translate I was able to figure out that she said, "Good job!  Next time we will speak Italian.  A hug!"  That alone was a small success in my language learning and I really am looking forward to traveling back to Venice next summer where I will be able to practice what I'm learning.  Right now I'm just trying to get over the fact that this isn't going to come easily to me and I am going to have to practice...and fail...before I get to a place where I feel comfortable conversing in another language.


As for the second failed assignment, I think there might be an error in the online answer system so I'm going to do a bit of investigation tomorrow and (if I'm right) send an email to the professor to ask about it.  With only two days of school left in this school year I've got to take off my teacher hat and start thinking like a student again!  I can tell it's going to be a fun, er interesting, summer.


I guess I should wrap things up and head to bed, but before I do I wanted to go back to those quotes I posted earlier.  I know that I'm always going to struggle with the desire to be perfect.  I also know that this is something that will never be achieved.  Henry Miller hit the nail on the head when he said that a man's faults are just as important as his virtues.  The faults and flaws help us humans to be compassionate, endearing, interesting beings.  Being a logical/mathematical/linear thinker is sometimes challenging because, as Winston Churchill notes, life most often does not follow an equation or a recipe.  It is unpredictable, challenging, and confusing, but isn't that what makes life interesting.


Since I'm excited about Italian at the moment, I'll close with this proverb that made me chuckle:  He that will have a perfect brother must resign himself to remain brotherless.

A Week of Discovery...Stitchin' and Bitchin' (well only a little)

It has been a good week here at Seoul Foreign School.  While many of the students and my colleagues jetted off to exotic locale, I stayed here in Seoul to help out with a Discovery Week course called Sew & Sew, So & So (this is how we advertised it) but Jo and I lovingly referred to it as a stitch and bitch.  We had some preliminary ideas about how the week would go and what we hoped the students would accomplish, but our group of sewers evolved, learned, and grew so quickly that they truly blew us away with their commitment and determination.  Here's a quick recap of the week (with photos of course)... 


Monday:
We handed out class booklets and went through some sewing basics with the girls before taking a little field trip to the costume room to scavenge for fabric for our initial project (in teacher language this was a sort of "pre-assessment" to see how skilled our little sewers were with scissors, a needle, and some thread.  They found all sorts of goodies and we had them sew two or three circles to a piece of base cloth using different stitches and a bit of wonder under (fantastic double sided interfacing for you non sewers out there).  Miraculously we managed to avoid adhering anything to the iron itself and most of the girls did end up getting a couple of circles stitched with various degrees of success.  Interesting observations of the morning included the following: 1) we had a girl who literally could not cut a curved line (or a straight one for that matter), 2) we needed to instruct the students to be careful not to sew their projects to themselves or the furniture (yes, this happened), and 3) we had some girls who were already sewing superstars.  We broke for lunch, then gathered the girls back together so they could design the projects they would be working on for the rest of the week and to create their shopping list for our big trip to the fabric market on Tuesday.  The girls came up with all sorts of interesting projects and left very excited.  Jo and I noted that some of their designs were very ambitious considering what we had witnessed during the morning.

Time for a bit of breakfast before getting to work.

The costume room had a plethora of fabric choices!

Learning to wonder under applique pieces.

Stitching on the first pieces.

Remember what I wrote about sewing things to the couch...here it is ladies and gentlemen.  Thankfully this was the only instance of sewing our pieces to unintended objects.

Professionals at work.

So focused!

The first group of completed "pre-assessments".

Group 2

Group 3...aren't they lovely?

Tuesday:
We set off from school and grabbed taxis to Dongdaemun Market.  This place is absolutely fabulous and has everything a sewer could ever dream of.  Within the first minutes of arriving I noticed that one of our little darlings had to be accompanied by her mom since she had forgotten her directions, info, and cell phone at school and had no clue where to go that morning.  We also managed to leave one of the girls behind because we thought we only had twelve girls...oops!  Thank goodness for mobile phones:).  Only one or two of the girls had ever been to the market before so we helped orient them and took them on a floor by floor shopping tour.  You could see that they were just giddy as they pawed through collections of buttons, found sparkles and bobbles galore, and searched for the perfect fabrics.  As the girls shopped, Ruth, Jo, and I wandered and watched after the group.  After about three hours in the market we were all exhausted and loaded down with our purchases.  It was definitely time for a lunch break and Taco, Chili, Chili was calling our name.  Everyone grabbed a quick bite and we loaded up three taxis with our purchases for the trip back to the school.  The sheer amount of supplies purchased was incredible and I wondered if the girls' skill and motivation would match their ambition.

Shopping, shopping, shopping!

Okay, so I was short on pictures from our shopping day so we tried an elevator shot.  How many people can you fit in an elevator before it's considered "full" in Korea?  Oh, twenty-something!

Wednesday:
All of the girls arrived ready to get started on their projects.  Within the first hour there were bits and scraps everywhere!  Many of the girls started off with simple projects like cushions, some tackled embroidery, and a few even ventured over to the sewing machine where Jo gave them a lesson.  When it came time for a coffee break we couldn't even convince one of the students to stop work and leave the classroom!  Overall, Wednesday was chaotic and exhausting.  When we left for the afternoon it looked like the fabric market had exploded all over the classroom and we could see several projects nearing completion.  I went straight home, took an Excedrin migraine, and climbed into bed!

This young lady is a master seamstress--she went home on Tuesday night and whipped up an apron for her sister.

Planning and cutting.

This is going to be some sort of bag.

Yes, even I was stitching!

A cushion in the making.

Another piece of the bag-to-be.

An adventurous hand stitcher!

Don't get your hopes up--this young lady didn't finish a single project!

Jo giving a machine sewing lesson!

Thursday:
Thankfully Thursday was quieter and less frenetic--the girls were clearly focused on their projects and as we stitched we rocked out to a variety of tunes from several different iPods.  It was really cool to see the girls becoming more self sufficient.  They asked for help and advice, but they were much more confident in their design and sewing skills.  Many of the girls finished their first projects and were enthusiastically starting on a second...or third:).  Apparently I was so hard at work on my own little project that I didn't take any photos, but don't worry, I'll make up for it on Friday!


Friday:
We met for the last time on Friday and the girls were no less enthusiastic today.  In fact, many were incredibly focused on finishing all of their projects.  The morning flew by with everyone hard at work and when noon rolled around we all trekked outside to the courtyard by E-dong for a picnic.  Jo picked up a collection of fruits, pastries, and other goodies and we passed the lunch hour enjoying the sunshine.  Back inside the classroom everyone started to wrap up their projects and Mrs. Han (our school seamstress) was hard at work assembling bits and pieces of cushions, bags, and other miscellaneous items.  At 2:30 we started cleaning up and gathered everyone, and their creations, together for a group Sew & Sew photo opportunity!  Jo and I were thoroughly amazed at what the girls had managed to accomplish in a week's time!  It was such fun to see their skills and confidence develop over the course of the week and we all left quite content with how the Discovery Week experience turned out.  

Trying to finish those final projects!

The young lady on the right sort of flitted around all week trying to decide on a project.  She ended up making these very "interesting" looking rabbits that we called 'mixed mitosis bunnies' and named Mixie, Maxie, and Moxie.

My almost finished project.  I hand stitched that ENTIRE thing.  Can you imagine the fun scrapbook embellishments it will hold?!

Aren't they sweet?

Lunching outside.

A compilation of completed projects!

Not one, but TWO, finished bags!  This young lady hand stitched every single one of those bobbles on the bag  on the right and then proceeded to post on FB, "I love my DW!"

A set of finished cushions!

Pencil cases and pillow cases!

All sorts of stitching goodness!!

Our attempt at taking a photo of everything we made this week...unfortunately, several items didn't make the photo shoot.

Patiently waiting for the group photo to take place.

Here we are...The Sew & Sew, So & So Discovery Week Group!

Beautifully designed creations!

Don't you love those pillow designs?!

It's hard to believe how quickly the week passed and although I didn't leave the city of Seoul, I went home each day pretty exhausted from the constant buzz of activity happening all day long!  For my first Discovery Week experience, this was a really fantastic one and I'm already scheming up an idea for next year.  Since I came back from Venice in March I've been planning to pitch and Art & Soul of Venice trip that would introduce kids to mosaic art, mask making, art, culture, food, language, and the sights of Venice.  I'm not sure if I can recruit enough students to make it happen, but I'm sure going to give it a try:)!  If Venice doesn't go then I'll most likely stay in Seoul for a second round of Sew & Sew!  Oh the possibilities to discover...       

Bursting the Bubble

I've always meant for this blog to be an honest account of this year and I think today I've gotten a dose of more honesty than perhaps I wanted.  This morning I picked up the results of a survey completed by most of my students about my class.  As I read through the tabulated responses, and then the comments, I felt as though my bubble had just been burst and immediately began to feel myself ready to go on the defensive.  I know that I am good at what I do and I work very hard to provide my students with engaging, interesting lessons about science.  I also try to connect with them in whatever ways I can and support them as they learn about science and how to do this high school thing (I teach 9th graders all day).  I suppose I should put things in perspective...a majority of the feedback I received was really positive, but it's that handful of negative comments that hurts most.  It doesn't matter which students these responses came from, I just know that I need to eat this slice of humble pie and try to do better next year.  With that in mind, there are three weeks until I say good-bye to my current group of students and I have some finals to prepare for.


This is a sort of addendum to my post, written two days later...
Since I've had a very relaxing weekend with lots of time to ponder these darn surveys, here's where I'm at right now on this subject.  I realized that in the intensity and fury of this year, there are things that I have really neglected in my classroom and with my students and times where I just pushed through rather than stopping to see how things were going with the kids.  One kid wrote that I am moody and I suppose there are a good number of days where I'm feeling really rushed and stressed so that's how I come across.  I knew after I came back from Venice that I'm not always the Queen of Nice (especially when working with some students who are less than pleasant to deal with, or ninth grade craziness) and I have really tried to work on this.  Another student noted that I need to control my class better (I laughed at this because after teaching ninth graders for 5 years in the States, I have a definite vision of what chaos in a classroom looks like and these kids don't hold a candle to my craziest class).  One said that they hated that we deviate from learning science too often.  Yes, I know that there are times where I let discussions go off topic because we've stumbled across something interesting...science related or not.  I've learned that those "off topic" opportunities are where I find out the most about kids' interests.  My classes are not challenging enough for some and we move too fast for others.  I don't give enough extra credit, or the opportunities are too easy or unfair.  I think I have just had a vision of what raising a family is really like...you never can please everyone no matter what you do, and I have to come to a point where I'm okay with that.  


The comments that I took most to heart, and am still reflecting on, were the responses centered around questions asking whether the students feel that their teacher treats them fairly AND another that asked if the students feel their teacher respects them.  Several students disagreed, or worse, strongly disagreed.  Some wrote that I favored some students and not others.  This is always a struggle because there are always going to be students that I connect with easily and some that are difficult to connect with at all.  I was pretty much always the kid that connected easily with my teachers because I totally dug the school thing--yes, I was a nerd and I liked the success I found at school.  I'm not ashamed to admit that a few of my close friends today were once my teachers.  These were people that I liked and respected and who blessed me with their support and mentoring.  While I don't see my current students as "friends", I know there are some who I'll probably still be in touch with after we part ways and I think that's pretty cool. 

I found this picture hidden behind another in a photo fame earlier this year.  It was taken on my last day of high school with my chemistry teacher (who is still one of my close friends).

 So, my biggest challenges/places for improvement for next school year are these:    
1) To work on really connecting with every kid in some way (I have a million ideas of how to do this and can't wait to start trying them out).
2) To be sure my expectations for achievement in my class, and my expectations about the social and emotional abilities of my students, are fair but kept high so that they always have something to strive for.
3) To get more sleep and be on my game with planning so that I'm not feeling frantic every minute of every day or exhausted and cranky.
4) To work on giving my students genuine praise and feedback that will support them as learners and help them to work on their weaknesses.  Interestingly enough, I just had a conversation with one of my students who is bright but not particularly motivated in some of his classes.  He told me that he was having a hard time because he felt that no matter how hard he worked or how good the quality of his work was he never received the positive affirmation he needed to keep him on track and moving forward.  He said that he often felt that no matter what he did, it just wasn't good enough so he stopped trying so hard and just did enough to get by (at which time his teachers scolded him for not putting forth enough effort and wasting his potential).
5) To realize that no matter what, I am not perfect and I will never be the perfect teacher for every student.  I have to keep doing what I do best and make adjustments as necessary.  There is something that I have chosen to keep from my students--the fact that 90% of the time I feel like hell.  There is nothing forgiving about IBS and sometimes it is pretty darn difficult to strap on a smile when it feels like my digestive system has been turned inside out.  Maybe I just need to let the kids know when I'm having a rough day...perhaps they'd understand.


Working with teenagers is such a challenging, amazing, crazy job--I guess I don't realize how much impact I can have on their lives until they are given a chance to tell me.  Being a pretty sensitive chick, I take what they have to say to heart.  To close out the year I'm going to have my students fill out the "Science Legacy" forms that I'll read to next year's incoming students during the first week of school.  I've done it every year since I started teaching and I think the advice the outgoing kids have for the newbies (especially the outgoing ninth graders words of wisdom to the incoming freshmen) is priceless.  I tend to get some pretty funny responses...perhaps I'll post a few:).       

A Musical Interlude in Seoul

I was doing a quick budget update and it came to my attention how much cash I've spent at the i-Tunes store since I moved to Seoul.  I'm sure some people would think this is ridiculous, but I can totally justify these purchases because there have been many days in the past nine months where I have relied on my i-Tunes playlist to get me through whatever is going on in life.  I put on Eva Cassidy's "Kathy's Song" or "Good Mother" by Jann Arden when I need to soothe an anxious spirit, Sara Bareilles or P!nk when I want an in-your-face sort of tune, ABBA when I feel like dancing around, Third Day or Phil Wickham when I want to feel more connected to God, and anything popular from the 80's when I just need a pick me up.  When my students are working in the lab or completing an assignment, we've got the iPod plugged in and I'm always amazed what sort of tunes they request!  Since I'm always open to new suggestions and I will download almost anything that speaks to me (regardless of the genre) my playlist has become pretty eclectic and I've definitely established a list of favorites that I can put on repeat and enjoy over and over.

Music expresses that which cannot be said and on which it is impossible to be silent.  ~Victor Hugo  

A little over a month ago I was surfing the Internet to see what sort of concerts might be happening in Portland this summer and I came across something even better--a concert in Seoul!  Many of my colleagues (and students) have already become part of the concert scene here in Seoul.  They've been to see The Eagles, Phil Collins, Erik Clapton, Corinne Bailey Rae, Taylor Swift, and others I probably haven't even heard of.  I hadn't really been tempted by any of the aforementioned options, but when I found out Sara Bareilles (one of my aforementioned go-to artists) would be doing a concert in Seoul--and better yet in Hongdae which is literally ten minutes away from where I live--I jumped right on it.  Getting tickets can be a little tricky because the website is entirely in Korean, but when my friend Jenny James jumped on board with me she used her connections at school to get us hooked up. 

Last night was the big night and we were both super excited.  Just a side note:  I think it's moderately hilarious that there is another "James" from Oregon here at SFS and even better that we have the same taste in music!  Sometimes the students ask if we're related...I think I'm just going to start saying yes:).  We headed out to Hongdae half an hour before the show was supposed to start and after a little trial and error found the venue called the V-Hall.  We descended down several flights of stairs (we joked that it would make a pretty good bomb shelter) and joined a roomful of Sara B. fans.  I've been to a few big name concerts in the States so the venue is usually an arena packed full of stadium style seats.  At first glance I figured out this was NOT the case.  There were maybe 5 rows of seats along the back wall...the rest was standing room only.  It ended up working out pretty well because once you hear Sara Bareilles break into song it is pretty much impossible to pass up the temptation to get into the music and do a little dancing!  

The venue--a single room sort of deal which made for a warm and cozy evening.

The two Miss James's waiting for the concert to start!

Her opening act was adorable, as in a total hottie!  I hadn't heard of Javier Dunn before I bought the concert tickets, but he's quite a talented guy and entertained us with four or five songs alone with his guitar.  I'll definitely be looking him up on i-Tunes!  A little before 8pm, Sara Bareilles came on.  She bounded out on the stage with her flipcam in hand to film the crowd.  From my vantage point, I saw mostly foreigners in the audience with a smattering of Koreans, but I would have been interested to see the sea of faces from the stage.  I can tell you for sure that there are some crazy Korean fans--a prime example would be the brick wall of a Korean man who stood squarely in front of us and kept migrating backward into my small bubble of personal space as he swayed (with eyes closed) to the music. 

Javier Dunn, the opening act!

Cute and talented!

Sara Bareilles at the piano singing 'Uncharted'.  It's a fabulous song!

Sara took a break from the piano and called up guest piano player Phil from her band.  We loved Phil!

Jenny and I post concert.

We were thinking we should have hung around and stalked the band...but we didn't!

The only downside about the concert was that it was way too short!  I wish Sara B. had played longer--she was truly incredible to watch and listen to.  I've noticed more and more in recent years that there are lots of musical artists who sound great when you buy their cd but when you hear them live they are totally disappointing.  Sara Bareilles sounds amazing live, has a great band, and infuses her outgoing and cheeky personality into the show!  The girl sings, plays the piano brilliantly, plays guitar, and writes her own music.  I only wish I was going to be home in Portland on July 19th to catch her concert at the Arlene Schnitzer Concert Hall.  Here's a few videos I shot with my camera to give you a flavor of what I saw...

Sara Bareilles singing 'King of Anything'...it's a great in your face sort of tune!

The finale to the concert was Sara on the piano without the band singing 'Gravity'

It's funny how something like going to a concert can make you feel a little more connected to the place you live.  I love how life here is not really a novelty anymore...I really feel like I have a very "normal" existence in Seoul much like I had living in Spokane (more on this idea of "normalcy" later).  While I'm still on the topic of music, if anyone is interested in joining me at the Oregon Zoo on July 30th, I'm going to see Brandi Carlile.  This is the song that first caught my attention, and I've been a fan since I heard it because it seemed to speak to what I was feeling being thousands of miles away from home...

Keep on rockin' and check back soon for more updates from Seoul!