A Little Nostalgia

I seem to have major revelations about my life during the few hours I spend ignoring the to do list and spending time with a cherished friend. Tonight Erin and I went to see Sex and the City 2. We had planned this get-together from the time we both heard the movie was coming out and tonight's outing happened to coincide with Erin's moving weekend. After nearly two years in Spokane, my bestie is moving back to Beaverton. Although we haven't seen each other nearly as often as I'd imagined, we have the kind of friendship that carries on and we both know that the other will be there in a second if a need arises (ahem, like when one has appendicitis requiring a trip to the ER in the middle of the night). Erin departs Spokane with a master's degree in school counseling and an engagement ring and I am thrilled for her about both. We've spent several hours in the last few weeks talking about wedding plans, but until this evening I hadn't really sat down and considered the finality of what is to come for us both. I am used to having someone to vent to, laugh with, shop with, and call when the craving for Applebee's appetizers hits. Soon, my bestie, and every other member of my support network, will no longer be accessible at a moment's notice. Nights like tonight will be few and far between. I am feeling sort of left behind, although soon it is I who will be actually doing the leaving.

I can imagine myself in Korea...picture my classroom, my apartment, and see myself learning to navigate the streets of Seoul just as I have learned to get around Paris or London in a short amount of time. This time, however, I will be doing it alone and that is difficult to process. Though my life is not anything like Carrie Bradshaw or Charlotte York, I feel the same sort of sisterly camaraderie with my closest friends and it saddens me to know that it will take a great deal of time to build friendships like that again.

Burning the Candle at Both Ends

For the entirety of my freshman year I saw this quote by Edna St. Vincent Millay on the wall of my english class and it seems to have ingrained itself in my brain: "My candle burns at both ends; it will not last the night; but ah, my foes, and oh, my friends - it gives a lovely light!" Today I am burning the candle at both ends, trying to accomplish a number of tasks. When I started to feel overwhelmed to the point of collapse, I decided it was time to stop, fill up the tub, and just relax for a little while. Now, back to work!

The Beginning of the End

Tonight I attended a choir concert that showcased the vocal talents of the most gifted men and women at Ferris High School. It gave me chills to observe my students doing something that they clearly had a great deal of passion for and I loved seeing their confidence exude from the stage-I would have been terrified. As the concert wound to a close, the women's select vocal ensemble performed The Heart (in French no less!) and as they entered the second part the new members of the group filed on stage and stood behind the senior girl they would be replacing. When the third part began, the new members stepped forward into the circle and the seniors tearfully left behind the group to which they had been so connected. The entire experience was quite moving and I found myself nearly crying too. Tonight I began to realize that in four weeks I will say good-bye to my beloved students, colleagues, and Ferris High School. Like those seniors, I too will be replaced. As the seniors count the days until graduation, I feel as if I am going through the build-up to commencement myself. I remember the bittersweet feelings that came with "being done" and "moving on". Strangely, I can relate to these children who are soon to be out on their own in an unknown world. As a high school graduate I had high hopes of maintaining relationships and holding onto memories, and I can say that ten years after the fact I still hold tightly to some of my most cherished friends from my teenage years. Some things, however, do not survive the separation of miles and years. Now that the countdown has begun, I must gear-up, not wind-down as I so wish to do. There are many things still to accomplish as this is only the beginning of the end. More to come...

Dreams...

Yesterday I sat in the stands of McCarthey Athletic Center and watched my best friend graduate with a Master's degree in School Counseling. As she marched in with her counseling classmates I experienced a sense of pride for her accomplishment, thanksgiving that I had already conquered my own master's program, and a moment of contemplation over the possibility of returning to school at some point in the future (insanity, I know). For a moment I experienced a flashback to my own Master's graduation five years ago-I don't remember much about the ceremony itself, but I do recall walking across the stage to receive my diploma and feeling an overwhelming sense of hope and possibility. I can only imagine that Erin felt something similar as she shook the hand of the Gonzaga president and received her diploma case. If nothing else, I am certain that she had quite a lot of time to ponder the future as this was not a particularly short ceremony.

When the student speaker stepped up to the microphone and opened his mouth I immediately thought, "What a goob (my term of endearment for my goober of a brother)" and spent the next several minutes shifting uncomfortably in my chair. At some point, however, the goob caught my attention. He spoke about the importance of dreams and having the fortitude to work tirelessly toward accomplishing them. Hmmm... He reminded us how many dreams we had as children. He asked us to consider what happened to those dreams. Do they just disappear as we reach adulthood? Or do we simply find a way to convince ourselves how stupid we were at age ________(fill in the blank here). How many adults actually, "follow their dreams"? What do I aspire to and dream about now?

A long time ago I decided to become a teacher. I think I have my fifth grade teacher to thank for that. While several other options were considered and dismissed, teaching stuck. Back then I knew how to make a plan and see it through. I knew how to set goals and follow the steps necessary to get where I wanted to go. Do I still have this gumption? Perhaps, but for awhile I felt that I had lost the passion of one who chases their dreams. A year ago I began dreaming about teaching abroad. In the last few months the pieces have come together and it's happening. Though my dream sequence never included Korea, I think God intervened on my behalf and so I will continue on this path for the next two years to see it through. Then what? For a girl who is an expert planner, I hadn't a clue. Since yesterday's small epiphany many ideas have started to swim around in my already crowded head. The more I ponder, the longer the list grows, but here's what my heart has revealed thus far: MUCH more travel--I have started to dream about seeing places I had once never considered, perhaps a return to school to pursue a PhD in education or possibly a path towards counseling, attending a summer session on Jane Austen at Oxford, and, if all goes well during my two years in Korea, I hope to continue my teaching career abroad somewhere in Europe. Over time I'm certain that a shift will happen in my head where some of these "pipe dreams" will develop into goals and the planner inside of me will devise the steps necessary to make them happen. All in good time... For now I am content to continue dreaming, doing, and following where God leads me.