At best, this has been a challenging week. Each day I feel as though I'm thrust into one stressful situation after another, and, of course, much of this stress is self-inflicted. I have been struggling to keep up with the demands of our new high school schedule where each day, lettered A-F, comes with a different line-up of classes. I quite literally have to rely on my color coded planner to know where I am supposed to be and which class I will be seeing from one 65 minute time block to the next. I teach three different science classes, all of which I have taught before, but try to improve a bit each year as I learn from the lessons of the previous classes. This year I also have been assigned a special grade 9 class that helps support our freshmen as they transition from middle school. In my heart I knew that I just did not have the bandwidth, or the confidence in this program after being a part of a failed attempt at advisory at my last school. To put it into the words of Taylor Swift, "I should have said no," but feeling some pressure to conform to the desires of my administration, I did not. I am also taking a more active role in the yearbook program this year and am officially a "co-advisor" to this very demanding club. At the moment, my co-advisor and I are fighting against tradition and experience to allow our students to create the kind of publication they want but we're facing some serious opposition who happens to be quite vocal. In short, my school responsibilities are great. Add to that the need to finish more than half of a semester long Italian class in two months time and you end up with one very full schedule. I'm finding that I just can't be as productive as I want because I have so much to do that I don't know where to start. I am breaking down quickly.
On Thursday of last week this all came to a head. As I sat in my study hall typing an email to my friend who hosts our weekly bible study (which I haven't been able to attend yet), I was just inches away from tears. Nothing in particular in my life is that upsetting, but I was just about to crack under the pressure of it all. I managed to make it through all of my classes, but during my planning period I received the first of two unexpected phone calls this week...the first via Skype from a friend who I hadn't been in touch with in awhile. The call wasn't to catch up but to inform me that the parent of a very close mutual friend had received some distressing news. After hanging up, the dam broke and I spent the next thirty minutes allowing the emotions of it all to overtake me. Later that evening I found myself growing angry and frustrated. At ZUMBA class I rebelled by refusing to do all of the moves to the routines. I just wanted to storm out of the building and scream. WHY?! Why do bad things happen to wonderful people? Why can't I seem to get it together this year? Why am I here, in Korea, and not back in the States? WHY?! Why isn't God responding to my pleas for answers? Thankfully, I was able to de-stress and sleep a bit and Friday was a slightly better day.
Tonight as I sat down to eat dinner my apartment phone rang. This rarely happens, so I figured it would be a Korean solicitor. I was surprised to hear the voice of one of the ladies from my bible study group. She told me that she had a message to deliver to me and asked if I had 15 minutes to talk tonight. As soon as I finished eating, I called her back, anxious to hear more about the message and wondering what in the world it could be. Juanita told me that my name had come into her head as she was praying several times over the last week or so and she had received the following message. God revealed to her that he wanted "Colleen" to be in close relationship with him AND that he would heal "Colleen". There happen to be 3 of us named Colleen on campus, and at first she really wasn't sure which one the message was for, so she continued praying about it, asking God to reveal which of us this message was meant for. Days later Juanita said she saw my face revealed to her in a dream and she now knew who she needed to deliver this message to. This morning as she prayed she was prompted to deliver the message today and that's when she decided to finally call. This might sound a bit far fetched, and when Juanita shared some of things God has revealed to her in our bible study I was skeptical, but if you take the time to talk with her one thing becomes very evident. Juanita does have a close personal relationship with God; she trusts him implicitly and she has this amazing gift of listening to the Lord. As a result, God reveals amazing things to her and has tasked her with the job of sharing these messages. I am in awe of this and I felt a strange sort of comfort as she gave me this message. We talked a bit more about our struggles over the last month and it seems that many of us are feeling this same overwhelming stress. Before leaving, Juanita and I prayed together and I began to process the conversation we just had. I don't know when or how this healing will take place, but I do know that it would be a huge answer to prayer. For years I've been battling the pain in my head and my digestive system....along with pain in my heart that has followed me since my grandma passed away 12 years ago. I am ready to be free from these ailments...I just have to trust that God will follow through on his promise. If history is any indication, I believe he will.
That some good can be derived from every event is a better proposition than that everything happens for the best, which it assuredly does not. ~James K. Feibleman
I know this is a heavy sort of post, but I've always meant for this blog to be a true representation of me, my life, and the struggles I face as I move forward, not just about my fabulous travels. Life is such an interesting combination of experiences. Good and bad, fair and unfair, things that change us, things that make us want to give up the fight and at the moment, I am experiencing what it means to feel broken. In the week ahead I want to focus on the positives, on moving forward, on giving my best and being okay if my efforts don't land me at the top. I want to be an encouragement to my friends, family, and students. I want to accept the fact that I can be useful in this broken state.
When the Japanese mend broken objects, they aggrandize the damage by filling the cracks with gold. They believe that when something's suffered damage and has a history it becomes more beautiful. ~Barbara Bloom
