Just Breathe

Today is quite possibly the most challenging day I have faced in a long time. I felt pelted with crappiness from all directions. I would liken it to the feeling of running through a clearing and being hit over and over with rocks thrown by people hiding in the woods on both sides of the clearing. This hurts and I can't breathe...

Rock #1: I've been experiencing a bout of insomnia (this is not unusual for me when I'm very stressed) which means one horrible night of sleep after another. As you can imagine, my mind and body are both exhausted. Today, that exhaustion allowed me to sleep through my alarm and wake up twenty minutes before I should have been at work. Thankfully I had everything packed and ironed, so it was just a matter of showering and running out the door. I made it to work by 7:45 and was quite happy to find that my parking spot was still empty (a miracle in itself). Breathe...

Rock #2: Before dashing into the shower I realized that my treasured ring gifted to me by my grandma before she died had gone missing. With limited time to search, I left my apartment with a naked finger feeling a small wave of panic (it was at this point I discovered my garage had been open all night long too, although everything was still there). After hours of searching every conceivable spot in my apartment, I located the lost treasure in a place that I had thoroughly searched at least a half dozen times. Breathe...

Rock #3: This one really does involve rocks, er sort of. During my prep period I was walking back to my classroom with an armload of copies and I stepped down onto some uneven concrete and my pants (which I was told by a student today looked schlumpy) and proceeded to fall face first onto the cement. By some miracle there were no students around to witness the embarrassing encounter with gravity. I was also quite shocked to discover I had not damaged my clothing or my face in any way. Praise God for a semi-soft landing and a good cry to clear my head. Breathe...

By the time I arrived home to my apartment today, I felt overwhelmed, tired, and frustrated by the day's events. I know all of these feelings are the direct result of being pulled in too many directions--trying to complete my ProCert, preparing for the move to Korea, staying focused on my current job, getting ready for a surgery on Friday, volunteering for one too many committees, hosting my parents this weekend...I'm sure I could add more. Breathe...

Overall, I am just feeling smothered and it is definitely time to do a life inventory and weed out what I deem to be unnecessary. Despite the terrible day I've had, perhaps the timing is perfect. The pastor at the church I visited this last weekend spoke about Jesus as the vine and the importance of pruning and nurturing the vine in order to produce fruit. "Are you experiencing a fruitful life right now?", he asked. Easy answer, not so much. For the time being, I just need to remember to trust God...and breathe.

I suppose it is fitting that the first song on my i-Tunes playlist is called "Just Breathe". Here are the lyrics...

A storm is coming, but I don't mind
People are dying, I close my blinds
All that I know is I'm breathing

I want to change the world, instead I sleep
I want to believe in more than you and me
But all that I know is I'm breathing
All I can do is keep breathing
All we can do is keep breathing

Now...
Now...
Now...
Now...

All that I know is I'm breathing
All I can do is keep breathing
All we can do is keep breathing
All we can do is keep breathing
All we can do is keep breathing
All we can do is keep breathing
All we can do is keep breathing
All we can do is keep breathing
All we can do is keep breathing
All we can do is keep breathing
All we can do is keep breathing...now.

Leave of Absence

Today I received an email from my assistant principal about my impending leave of absence and the necessity of filing the paperwork soon. With budget cuts and declining enrollment, my vacant position could be another teacher's salvation. Though I have had the forms printed for nearly two weeks, the reality of this situation began to set in today-I am leaving my stable teaching position and gambling that in two years it will be there waiting for me. In my head I can rationalize that I know this is God's plan for me, that He is in control, that I may not even want to return to Spokane in two years...but it is still incredibly scary to submit that form. At this point I think I have been exposed to enough psychoanalysis to know I am probably in denial that there will be someone else teaching in "my classroom" next year, working with "my students", and becoming a part of the science department team, which after four years feels a little like family. I assume that if I return to Ferris High School, it will be untouched by the time that has passed, the people entirely unchanged, and I will fit right back into the puzzle. Okay, I am definitely in denial. Perhaps by blogging about these feelings I can embrace them as real and start the acceptance phase. Yes, this means I will fill out the leave of absence form, send it in, and pray for the best...next week.

Where to begin?

Since I last posted, the to-do list I mentioned has begun to grow. Each day I dutifully check the mailbox for an envelope from Seoul Foreign School that will contain hundreds of pages of reading, a stack of papers to be signed, and an official checklist that will help me prepare for the transition ahead. Being a pro-active individual, I've decided to get a jump start on the process (at the expense of going to bed on time, doing a little extra planning and grading, or working on my blasted Pro-Cert portfolio).

Right now I'm focusing on pulling together all of the paperwork that needs to be returned to Korea in order to get the ball rolling on the visa and alien registration process. It makes me chuckle that in a few months I'll be officially referred to as an alien, and I suppose I just might fit the title for the first several months of my new life abroad. Hopefully antennae will not sprout from my head and my skin will remain peachy, rather than turn a verdant shade as I learn to navigate a strange city and adapt to a new culture and language. A growing stack of documents has taken up residence on the ottoman in my living room ranging from a copy of my birth certificate and teaching license, to my original college diploma and an agreement that I will not partake in any sort of political action while abroad (I hear Korea has an excellent riot squad). I've also signed a housing agreement (no unrelated boys are allowed to sleep over), filled out an employment application, requested a copy of my criminal history (in case you were wondering, I'm clear), and signed up for a very extensive physical exam. After living through two years of what I've dubbed "medical hell" I was a little nervous about what the medical exam might reveal. On the upside, I find comfort in the fact that nearly every part of my body has been scoped, x-rayed, scanned, ultra-sounded, or subjected to an MRI, and I've given more than my fair share of blood and other fluids but you never know if there is something unknown lurking deep in the throes of my cellular being. Yesterday, my fears were alleviated and I received a clean bill of health. Praise God!

As the countdown continues, I need to find a way to strike a balance between life in the present sense and the move that is coming. While I want to spend hours on the Internet searching, reading, shopping, and preparing I must also focus my energy on planning creative and captivating lessons to engage my students, work on the enormous project required to earn my continuing teaching license, and continue to strengthen my relationships with friends and family before I put several thousand miles of distance between us. In looking ahead and planning for the big picture, I often overlook the small steps necessary to get there until the deadlines approach and the stress compounds. Perhaps this is where I can once again enlist my to-do list to start checking off the tasks of the here and now...I think it is also time to grab my study bible off the nightstand to feed my anxious soul. This is what first came to mind: "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own." Matthew 6:34. Thanks for the reminder, God.

A Blossoming Soul

A year ago a crazy idea blossomed in my brain after a chance encounter on the Paris metro with three American teenagers. When I saw the giggly girls hop on the train, and listened as my aunt obtained key information about them including the fact that they were students at the American School of Paris, the lightbulb flicked on and the gears began turning. Forty-eight hours later I was stateside again and vigilantly searching the internet for information about teaching abroad. By January, my application was complete. Game on...

Less than three weeks ago I trekked to San Francisco to attend an international job fair. Secretly, I found comfort in knowing it would be nearly impossible to find a job that met my list of "must haves" in a location where I could happily spend the next two years of my teaching life. I traveled to San Francisco hoping for Europe, praying for Paris, and content with the notion of spending another year teaching in Spokane if this didn't happen. Perhaps it is at this point I should mention that I hate change. More than change, I despise moving. It was nothing short of a miracle that I ended up 370 miles from home five years ago. It was now time to face the reality that I was saying yes to the possibility of big changes and a big move. I went to San Francisco anyway.

When it came time to review the open positions I wasn't surprised to see that my "dream job" in Paris had been filled and that the list of schools I wanted to learn more about was short. I said no immediately to Saudi Arabia, Turkey, Dubai, Shanghai, Thailand, and a few others where I couldn't imagine spending two years. Of the schools that made the short-list, one position caught my eye: 9th and 10th grade integrated science at Seoul Foreign School. I dropped a resume and interview request in their mailbox and upon checking mine was surprised to see that they had already found me. "God, are you trying to tell me to explore this option?" The Seoul Foreign people were smart...in addition to their interview request, they provided a lovely recruiting DVD. I almost cried the first time I watched the recruiting video. This was my deja vu moment of the weekend. I felt these exact feelings before I realized God was paving the way for me to move to Spokane. After attending the Seoul Foreign info session, I knew I wanted an interview. I called my dad to ask him if he thought I had lost all sanity by considering a job in South Korea. He is logical, thoughtful, and solid, thus a good source to consult for an opinion. His lack of response was a definite indicator that he was not thrilled. Thankfully, he has warmed to the notion of visiting his only daughter in a very foreign country.

A week ago I officially said "Yes" to Seoul Foreign School. The change that I have so carefully avoided is now inevitable. In the last week I have learned more about South Korea than I could have ever imagined and I am excited by the possibilities. In the coming months, I suspect I will learn more about myself than I could have ever imagined too. The "game on" mentality is stronger now than when I began the search and there are many things to check off my beloved to-do lists before this move becomes a reality. What I have realized in the last few days is what I believe will keep me moving forward, facing the challenges I know will present themselves...now is the time for my blossoming soul to flourish. God is opening the garden gate for me and tilling the soil in Seoul, South Korea in order to provide a place for my roots to take hold. I'll let you know how His cultivation plan unfolds.