Finding Joy in Sorrow

Today is February 5th, a difficult day for me as I remember my grandma on her birthday.  It would have been one of those milestone days, her 80th, one where people gather together to celebrate the end of one decade and the start of another. We did this for my grandpa not long ago. Even though she has been gone thirteen years, tears still spring to my eyes as I type this post and my heart feels a deep sense of sadness as I remember the wonderful woman that my grandma was and the relationship that I had with her from the time she held me in her arms just minutes after my birth. As I reach back in my memory, I am amazed by the things I remember so clearly about the time I spent with her from playing with pots and pans on the kitchen floor as a toddler to shopping trips and marathon lunches as a teenager...so many beautiful memories.  This year as I aim to focus on and discover Joy, even in the darkest and most sorrowful times, it is these memories that I cling to.  A year ago I wrote this birthday post as I remembered my grandma and as I re-read it and reflect on her life, I can't help but feel pain because of the silent struggles I know she faced. What gives me hope is that in the end I know her greatest joy was her family and the love I felt from her was indeed a testament to that--unconditional and unending.  In fact, I still feel it to this day and that brings joy to my heart as I remember her.  Shortly after my grandma died I heard a song sung by Guy Clarke and Emmylou Harris called "I Don't Love You Much Do I".  It's meant to be a love song, but when I listened to the lyrics, many of them expressed what I felt as a little girl whose hero was her grandma.  One in particular goes like this: "I don't love you much do I, just more than all the stars in the sky; I don't love you much do I, I think you hung the moon and that's all right; See how it sparkles in my eyes, I couldn't hide it if I tried, that's right; I don't love you much do I, just more than anything else in this whole world."  Here's a link to the rest of the song...it touches my heart every time I hear it and reminds me of my grandma, who loved a good country western love song.