Losing It...

It is one of those days where I feel the need to put off doing what I need to accomplish before tomorrow so I can process my feelings about the happenings of the day.  Winter break is officially over and we've been back to school for four days.  As you can imagine, it is always difficult getting back into the swing of things after such a long break so this week seems to be going by a bit slower than most.  Anyway, Thursday afternoon arrived which meant it was time for discipleship.  Stephanie and I gathered our girls together to catch up and talk about what we'd like to study for the rest of the year.  It was also time for me to share my life map with the group.  We gave this assignment to the girls much earlier in the year and by now EVERYONE else had presented their life maps except me.  I worked really hard on mine, thoughtfully mapping out the highs and lows of my personal and spiritual life.  As I put the pieces together I was forced to reflect on and process through some difficult times in my life--I knew it was going to be tough to share these with a group of teenagers but I also felt it was important for them to see the real "Miss James" including all of the challenges, doubts, regrets, celebrations, highlights, etc., etc., etc.  

My Life Map...oh what a tangled web

Low points in life

I made it through the early years easily, but as I started to tell the girls about the period of time around college I started to choke up.  Oh no, here it comes.  Enter uncontrollable sobbing here.  I totally and completely LOST IT in front of a group of teenage girls--talk about awkward and uncomfortable.  There is a very obvious decline in both my personal and spiritual life in 2001, just after my first year of college.  During this period of time my beloved grandma was diagnosed with pancreatic cancer and six weeks later I held her hand when she passed away.  I spent a great deal of time with grandma during that six week time period and although we talked a lot, there was one major topic we never discussed.  I never had the courage to ask my grandma where she stood spiritually.  Was she a believer?  Had she accepted Christ into her heart?  Did she think she was heaven bound?  To this day I live with the incredible burden of regret when I think about my grandma's salvation.  I want to believe that sometime in her life she had the opportunity to know Jesus...but I'm just not sure and it kills me.  Replaying these thoughts over and over brings back the terrible pain of losing grandma and reminds me of the hole in my heart that will never quite heal.  How does one allow the past to be passed and move on?  What do we do in these low points of life?  I suppose the answer is that we live on, learning with each missed opportunity to trust God and to ask Him to help us live boldly.  So, this is what I pray for in 2011...boldness, trust, rest, peace, passion, comfort, and healing.  I pray for a year without regret.